Damn it, I was going to wear that.

This week, like many of you, we here at The Root are willing our livers to carry us through a week of open-bar holiday parties while trying to ride that fine line between office-appropriate and out-of-office attire—and behavior.

Fun fact: Here at Gizmodo Media Group, where we share office space with pretty much all of the other titles you see above our masthead, we’re issued an actual lookbook for our annual holiday celebration, carefully curated by one very creative colleague who has no official title, though I’ve personally dubbed him our resident “minister of culture.”

Trust me—it’s not what you think. This guide is not co-produced by human resources.

While not mandatory, this year’s theme, which I assume is a riff on the theme of the upcoming Met Gala, “Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination,” is golden.

Advertisement

No, really—we’re encouraged to adorn ourselves in gold for this year’s company party. The rest of the rules are pretty loose, save that one.

I would share said lookbook with you for reference, but I’ve already said too much—it’s an official in-office document, after all. That said, with 12 days of Christmas still before us, it did get me thinking: How does one effectively attend a slew of personal and professional parties and still keep the mystery—and integrity—alive?

In short, what would Beyoncé do?

I Was Here

@beyonce via Instagram screenshot

Advertisement

First of all, Bey would walk into the party as if the theme were her idea. Like, “Oh, are you all wearing gold, too? That’s cute.”

She’d then proceed to stake out the best seat in the room: never too far from the door (more on that later), yet close enough to the open bar for convenience.

But not close enough to look thirsty. She’s never thirsty.

Best Thing I Never Had

@beyonce via Instagram screenshot

Advertisement

Bey would eat before the event—just to have something on her stomach. That said, she wouldn’t have too much because her waist must remain snatched.

To keep her paws off the passed hors d’oeuvres—not to mention that buffet in the corner—the queen takes out her hunger and frustration on her collar when no one’s looking. (But seriously, who’s not looking?)

Drunk in Love

@beyonce via Instagram screenshot

Advertisement

Bey knows that Shawn from Sales is trouble. She also knows they’ve been flirting shamelessly for months and that if they keep it on the low tonight, she can claim plausible deniability tomorrow. What can she say? She loves his big ego.

Besides, who’s wasting this dress on Susan from HR?

Sorry

@beyonce via Instagram screenshot

Advertisement

Speaking of Susan from HR, Bey would consider tonight the perfect night to remind her that a) they’re both off the clock, b) that she and Shawn haven’t crossed any professional boundaries (fantasies don’t count) and c) that she’s entitled to all of her vacation days—with pay.

Or she might just pretend not to see Susan. It’s dark in here.

Check on It

@beyonce via Instagram screenshot

Advertisement

Bey knows that while she works with them every day, she doesn’t really know these people like that, which is why she packs light and keeps her handbag on her at all times like Aretha taught her. Plus, it makes tipping at the bar easier and tipping out a breeze, when the time comes ... and it comes sooner than later.

Disappear

@beyonce via Instagram screenshot

Advertisement

Beyoncé knows to leave the party before it leaves her. Having made her appearance and a few requisite laps around the room, her next move is toward the door, because it’s always best to leave them wanting more ...

Besides, Shawn from Sales is waiting outside.