We’ve long lived under the assumption that everything’s bigger when there’s a billionaire involved. But leave it to Oprah to prove that theory true on Thursday, showing off a mammoth cabbage plucked from her presumably all-organic, undoubtedly perfectly manicured garden located somewhere we can’t afford.
“I’m telling you, not one chemical used; because we don’t believe in that,” she proudly proclaims of what is undeniably an all-state blue ribbon-contender, because Oprah. She noticeably neglects to shout out the gardener The Root’s Senior Editor Stephen Crockett is convinced was being restrained by security just off-camera or to mention that unicorn poop is the secret to making her garden grow to such magnitude—but only manure from the elusive black unicorn, of course. That, and bread. Because Oprah loves bread. (We do too, Oprah.)
But it’s O’s next proclamation that gives us pause: “This is gonna make a lot of slaw for Memorial Day...”
Girl, how many people are you entertaining in a pandemic? (Seriously, are all the girls from the Oprah Winfrey Academy now quarantining at Auntie O’s?) And who likes coleslaw that much? (Probably Stedman.) Like, enough to eat more than the two tablespoon-allotment that comes as a condiment alongside a three-piece of fried chicken or fish? (OK, definitely Stedman.) Since you’re entertaining (in a pandemic), there will be fried chicken or fish, right, O?
Who all gon’ be there?
We have so many questions, most of which could only be answered by millions upon millions of dollars, hundreds of acres of land, dozens of staff members and countless tons of soil imported from Narnia, which is where Entertainment Writer Tonja Stidhum believes Oprah actually lives.
Here in the real world, it goes without saying that many are unfortunately and unexpectedly dealing with food insecurity, at present. While we could insert a super-woke but likely self-righteous speech here, we won’t; in addition to giving commencement speeches and providing race-focused coverage of the COVID-19 crisis, Oprah donated $12 million to food relief just this week, so we won’t begrudge her any time spent gardening.
That said, nobody likes coleslaw that much—even Stedman—and just looking at that much cabbage makes us want to take a Gas-X.