Tiffany Haddish attends the Turner Upfront 2018 arrivals on the red carpet at the Theater at Madison Square Garden on May 16, 2018, in New York City.
Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris (Getty Images for Turner)

My idea of perfect happiness? You don’t want to know my idea of perfect happiness. O.K., I’ll tell you: An orgasm with a beautiful man that loves me, is more successful than me, and allows me to be me. AAANNND, because my list is long: I’m doing what I love for a living and that is bringing joy and happiness to others. Plus, twice a year, I get to go on a yacht and go to a tropical, beautiful location where I can see the bottom of the ocean. Plus, I’m never hungry, my house is clean, and it doesn’t have roaches. Nobody in my family asks me for money; they only ask to have a good time with me.

That’s just the first answer that Tiffany Haddish gives in her 36-question Q&A for Vanity Fair magazine’s Special Awards issue. In the next 35, the comedian and actress touches on more orgasms, her least favorite physical features, historical figures she identifies with (who include Moms Mabley, Dorothy Dandridge and Lena Horne) and her greatest journey: “My greatest journey was being born. It’s hard work squeezing your head out of a vagina. I remember it like it was yesterday. My head hurts every time I think about it.”

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Like us, Haddish’s biggest current regret is not having enough time. But if there’s one answer of hers we’ll be taking as a piece of solid-gold advice, it’s Haddish’s greatest love: “At this point, me. If I can take care of me, I can take care of all of the people that I love.”