Royal Recap: Piers Morgan and Meghan’s Dad Continue to Disappoint—and If the Queen Lets You Leave After You’ve Left, Does It Make a Sound?

Photo: Peter Summers (Getty Images)

I took a few measly sick days, but still can’t escape #Megxit—hasn’t this woman already followed the North Star to freedom? I kid, I kid...kind of. As we well know, Meghan, Duchess of Sussex rolled out of England like the London fog a mere three days after she and Prince Harry rolled back in after a six-week holiday vacation—one in which they decided being full-time monarchs was not their ministry. Instead, the duo decided their time would be best spent honoring their combined intercultural heritage by dividing their time between the United Kingdom and North America—even suggesting they’d reside in Canada, Meghan’s former adopted home and a part of the British commonwealth.

Girlfriend even inked a Disney deal to remind us she’s an independent woman with options. But of course, nothing royal is ever a simple matter, so instead of just acknowledging that grown folks not immediately in line for the throne should be allowed to move out of their grandmother’s basement empire, Buckingham Palace gave us the ol’ “it’s complicated”—because you don’t break up with me; I break up with you, damn it.

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After a Sussex-focused summit on Monday, which Meghan purportedly didn’t phone in for (and good for her, because this is equally her husband’s decision, and wholly his lineage to negotiate), Queen Elizabeth issued a statement restating the obvious: Harry and Meghan will no longer be feeding off the English teat full-time...and everyone will deal (h/t Elle).

Today my family had very constructive discussions on the future of my grandson and his family. My family and I are entirely supportive of Harry and Meghan’s desire to create a new life as a young family. Although we would have preferred them to remain full-time working Members of the Royal Family, we respect and understand their wishes to live a more independent life as a family while remaining a valued part of my family. Harry and Meghan have made clear that they do not want to be reliant on public funds in their new lives. It has therefore been agreed that there will be a period of transition in which the Sussexes will spend time in Canada and the UK. These are complex matters for my family to resolve, and there is some more work to be done, but I have asked for final decisions to be reached in the coming days.

Basically, she said the same thing they said, but because she said it, it’s now official. Because I break up with you.

What else is official? Piers Morgan’s status as a washed-up talking head with nothing to do but provoke—because otherwise, his relevance will wither on the vine. After consistently obsessing over and insulting Meghan in a way that makes Eminem and Mariah Carey look like pen pals, Morgan’s latest trick was to ask “Where is the racism?” during his morning host spot on Good Morning Britain on Tuesday—where he also managed to dismiss, insult and mispronounce the name of Dr. Shola Mos-Shogbamimu, the single black female guest on his panel (who admirably called him all the way the hell out for his misogynoir).

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“I’m gonna stop this whole conversation about Meghan being the problem, or they’ve done something. Let me tell you what’s so offensive about this Piers, especially with you,” Mos-Shogbamimu told a sputtering and obstinate Morgan (h/t Mediaite). “You are a man privileged to have power and influence, and you’re using your platform so irresponsibly to spout out this personal vendetta with nasty and vile comments knowing fully well that your words are containing bigotry, misogyny, sexism, and racism, and you’re not taking responsibility for how you have contributed to the so-called royal crisis.”

“It is not my job to teach you about racism,” she later added.

“But it is your job,” Morgan retorted. “I’ll tell you what your job is.”

No, that doesn’t sound at all oppressive, misogynist or racist, Piers. Not at all.

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But since we’re already on the subject of trash-ass people, let’s talk about the one who may agree to testify against his own daughter in her suit against the Daily Mail. According to Page Six, Thomas Markle, he of the staged photo-ops, tabloid scoops, and leaks of personal correspondence, plans to be “the key witness testifying on behalf of the paper, according to new documents filed in London’s High Court.”

“Potentially adding to the PR nightmare he has already caused his daughter, Thomas Markle will help prove that the Duchess was behind a smear campaign against him in the run-up to her wedding, the documents claim,” Page Six reports (in a post that also accuses Meghan of pushing for the break with the royal family, leaving her husband “heartbroken”).

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This is the type of behavior that fully justifies “daddy issues.”

But if Meghan is bothered, she’s not letting it break her stride. On Tuesday, the duchess visited Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside Women’s Centre, where she reportedly discussed the issues facing low-income, often indigenous women.

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Good photo-op? Perhaps. But can you blame her? Forget the Invictus Games; this royal drama is looking like a fight to the death.

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About the author

Maiysha Kai

Maiysha Kai is Managing Editor of The Glow Up and your average Grammy-nominated goddess next door. Minneapolis born, Chicago bred, New York built. Nuance is her superpower.